My children may look alike, but they don't act the same, and they definitely don't sleep similarly.

Writing a book (I’m sure you’ll need it…ha!)

After you have one reasonable success with your first child, you begin to think that you are a credible expert on all things parenting.  You begin to make mental notes of important chapters you will write in your first best-seller for new parents.  After all, if it worked for you, surely it would work for others.  Then, in all your glory, you you have baby #2.  And this child, though wholly precious and wonderful, is simultaneously a terrible deviation from what you have known.  You start to slowly erase those chapters, and after a while, you completely delete your future failure of a book, coming to the same conclusion that millions of parents have come to before you- you don’t know anything….and you probably never will.

Before I sound too glum, I will add that after #2 grows up a wee bit, you regain some of your former confidence, though this time much more humbly, and therefore much more deserved.  Whereas it seemed that no plan worked for both children, you can look back and see a few threads of commonality that may be deemed useful- whether for #3 or for another poor soul working her way through the agony of sleep deprivation.

My 2

I’ll break it down for you as I experienced (and am experiencing it).  My firstborn is 3 1/2.  She is beautiful (truly ), extroverted, witty, clumsy, all legs and limbs, extraordinarily tall, brilliant, a go-getter, creative, and nonstop- none of which leaves much room for sleep.  My second child is not quite 2, adorable, hilarious, not too wordy, but all about sound effects, also brilliant (come on, all our children are geniuses, right?), fearless, climby, persistent, lovey, and easily worn-out- all of which contributed to his overabundance of sleep, none of which landed during the time of day it should have.  So, I ended up with 2 totally different sleep quotas to figure out.

Our context

I am a grown-up version of my son, minus the funny.  Seriously.  We are sedentary creatures when given a chance, and we love our sleep.  I am also type A (of the hundredth power) and a stay-at-home mom.  We started our family in Iowa and after having our son (#2), we quickly packed up, lived with both sides of the family for a month each, then moved across the pond to Scotland for a PhD.  None of that suited my temperament.  I am a nap-nazi.  I don’t like change, and I sure don’t like jet-lagging myself or my children.  I don’t like being flexible- it’s just not me.  I don’t like change (maybe I said that already).  Add in a few sleep books (Baby Wise and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child were the 2 at odds in my head every waking moment those first 2 years) and what you get is a crazy, emotional mess called me.  You see, if the average child sleeps 12 hours at night and takes 1 3-hour nap, then I expect that out of my kids, too- after all they’re geniuses, right?  They should be better than average.  So, I scoured every page of every sleep book I could get my hands on, and that’s all I thought about.  I day-dreamed of being old and not having to deal with the issues at hand.  I felt like a failure every moment of every day, because if this is what I did for a living (I did quit my job I was good at after all) and I were to be evaluated, surely I would fail- neither child did what either book said they should do.

Putting the books down

So, I did what I imagine women of old did (certainly those that were illiterate)- I put the books down and I surveyed my children.  I realized that they were in fact babies and not machine (as my husband repeatedly reminded me) and that there was no formula (tho I would have paid handsomely for it).  I would recall helpful tips from the books accidentally, and if they helped (such as Weissbluth’s wisdom that you can’t force a child to sleep or Ezzo’s reminder that not all cries are for hunger), I used them- otherwise I discarded them.  I quickly came to the conclusion that my kids were just fine- they were better than that- they were (and are) awesome- they just need different things.

My values

So, I do believe in teaching your children to sleep in their own beds- if for nothing else, to preserve the sanctity of our bed as just for us.  I also enjoy the benefits of my kids going to sleep on their own (not thru feedings, rocking, movement in general).  This is mostly selfish- I enjoy putting them down and knowing they’re fine and will drift off on their own, and I can have babysitters who don’t have to be trained how to administer the perfect sleep move.  I am easily annoyed by excessive noise (such as screaming children), so I am a fan of white noise for all of us.  I crank it in the kids’ rooms in case one is down when the other is not (common), and use it on a lower volume in our room.  That way, if the kids are just chatting in their rooms in the morning, I can still sleep, but if they’re agitated, I don’t miss it- but I do miss the football game roaring in the night or my drunken neighbors rockin’ to Johnny Cash (yes, even in Scotland).  I do allow my kids to “cry it out” if I see it as worthwhile (getting over a temper tantrum or learning to sleep on their own), but I use my knowledge of their temperaments to know when (and how long) to let them cry and when to go in.  Once again, I have a different reason and amount of time for each child because I’m their mama- I know them.

Bottom line

I used to be quite judgmental about it all (remember the book I was going to write?).  I mean, if I was slaving over the perfect sleep schedule, shouldn’t everyone else be miserable doing it with me?   Now I see us as we are- unique, as are our children.  Some need more sleep, others less, and it’s easy to idealize those who need more.  However, I believe every child’s sleep patterns have pros and cons.  The bottom line is that you have to do what is right for your child.  Some will sleep the night on their own, and some may need a little encouragement.  Don’t be ashamed if yours doesn’t do it on his/her own.  Ultimately, you are the parent and you can decide how you want to tackle the issue- you can wait until later.  If you want to pick up your baby and hold her all night, go ahead- she’s yours.  If you’re happy with it, great- really.  I won’t judge you and no one else should either.  You have to do what you can sleep with at night (pun intended).  And maybe the most important thing is to erase the word “should” from your vocabulary.  Your kid will do what he does- deal with it, and you’ll enjoy him even more.  I did.